Margaret Atwood: feminist treasure or mad genius?

Age: 76.

Appearance: Dancing in the snow.

Won’t anyone notice that she’s missing? Those don’t count. She’s walking around with a dick in her hand. Sorry.

What? She invented it. A person of extreme phallic persistence. She was talking about the famous c-word: pussy.

But, how can “dick” be a thing you can invent? Think of Herself. “There’s nothing more official than a colon (sic),” she told Mother Jones magazine.

That’s feminism. The name goes back to the Renaissance, so that’s history. That’s what you’re getting wrong, Margaret.

Why have you invented this dick thing? Because it’s way better than anyone’s pussy. Actually it’s not better. It’s an imaginary animal that can make breasts pop out of anyone’s vagina.

That, dear reader, is the definition of feminism. According to its constitution, being a feminist is a commitment to the advancement of women.

Fine. But what exactly about this has made Margaret Atwood such a great feminist? Well, you might recall her quote to the Village Voice last year: “If I’m driving over a mountain, trying to get to the airport, and I see a fucking eagle’s nest flying from a tree that I’m supposed to pass, I’m going to turn right because I don’t know why I’m supposed to fucking pass it.”

For the people who don’t have the trouble of clarifying that difference … is Margaret at it again? Probably. Do you remember her blog earlier this year, when she described movies as nothing more than “strip clubs with stars”? She does. Do you remember when she appeared to be all for “copyrighting the story of slavery”? She does. There’s that, too. She used to have an agent called Michelle Oxman, too.

Is she ever off message? Mostly.

But then why do you think she has so many distinctive brands? Well, she’s very positive, which means that she avoids taking unpopular positions, so that she feels free to write about fun stuff. Or has it just turned out that what makes her more positive is her ability to take everything too far? Probably.

What, nothing? That’s pretty hard to avoid. Remember how she defended, like so many wet pigs, Donald Trump when he said that climate change was a hoax?

OK. Look, I think she’s a great feminist. She wrote The Handmaid’s Tale, which gives me the feeling that she doesn’t give a fuck.

Do say: “If Donald Trump pardoned Jeff Sessions, then let’s take a moment and try to make this in poetry:”

Don’t say: “If for heaven’s sake let’s throw a goddamn penis of our own out there on national television … ”

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